Dear Dolly: ‘I’ve met the man of my dreams — but he lives in America’

Q. Last week I met someone while on a trip to San Francisco. It was pretty much love at first sight — we were inseparable for six days and had deep conversations about giving a long-distance relationship a go. Ultimately his job has an office in London so he could, in theory, move here if it all works out. But before that we obviously need to work out whether this has a future. We are in the throes of planning various trips back and forth, but I am a needy Cancerian and can already feel this is going to be bad for me. Also, should I stop dating in London? I’m someone who goes on a couple of dates a week, which is why meeting him has been so special. I feel like I’ve finally found my prince after kissing so many frogs.
A. Oh my God, WHY would you disclose your star sign without telling me what his star sign is too? I could have worked out your compatibility, solved this question in one sentence and we could have all gone home from work early.
Without this crucial information I suppose I’m going to have to look at the facts, rather than the guestimate of your fate dictated by the rules of astrology. Here’s what I think: whether this will work is completely dependent on your personality types. Of course, your connection will also determine if it can overcome the challenges of such a big distance. But you don’t know your connection yet and that can only be established by trying to do so long-distance. Here are the four questions I would ask before you throw yourself into it.
I ask this because if one of you is a person who has historically avoided long-term relationships, this could be a disaster. A long-distance relationship is a commitmentphobe’s dream — they get all the security of a relationship at arm’s length. They can continue to live like a single person while being in a relationship. Interrogate whether your mutual enthusiasm for a long-distance relationship is about your enthusiasm for each other, or whether one of you is excited by the prospect of a situationship in the guise of a relationship. This could be very painful for one of you. That being said, if you’re both commitmentphobes, go for your life, you’ve found your dream set-up.
I say this with love, my darling: it seems like you may well be a diehard romantic bordering on fantasist. Takes one to know one! Nutters like us are vulnerable to getting into long-distance relationships because the feelings and declarations are all so enormous and vivid. The goodbyes are so painful, the risks are so big, the reunions so spectacular. I worry that you’re predisposed to finding a long-distance relationship appealing because it is a fast track to romantic intensity, skipping over all the slow, tentative early stuff. It also means you get to circumvent the inevitable mundane moments of a relationship: the daily checkings-in, the low-key hangs, the bickering about how much salt to put in the bolognese. This stuff is unavoidable in a long-term relationship. I have seen couples put it off with the high romance of a long-distance set-up and, when they do move in together, they’re shocked to find they have to be normal and boring like everyone else. I don’t think this is a reason not to be with him, but again, it’s something to think about carefully.
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Whatever happens, to try long-distance properly means to roll up sleeves, hitch up skirts, wade into the unpredictable future and give it everything you’ve got. Do you like travelling? Do you mind being away from home? How do you feel about immersing yourself in another person’s home, culture, friendship group and family to whom you otherwise have no connection? How would either of you feel about moving to each other’s country, or perhaps to a brand-new country one day? Are you people who want to throw everything at something and see what happens? If you are, you have the stuff that can make long-distance work.
Star signs then attachment styles. Really doing the millennial bingo today, aren’t I? You don’t have to be familiar with the therapeutic language of attachment styles to get the gist — the big question is this: are you or he insecure and anxious when it comes to forming romantic relationships? Do you need a lot of reassurance? Do you need a lot of contact? Do you get jealous easily? If so, the challenges of long-distance could end up being torturous for one or both of you.
But in the end, you’ve kissed the frogs, I kissed the frogs, we’re both seasoned frog-kissers. We know when something feels good; when someone feels like they could be a best friend and a lover and a team-mate and a home all in one, all the potential challenges ahead feel doable. You should follow that feeling if that feeling is really what you have, rather than excitement about the story of how you met. If you have that feeling, you’re not going to listen to anything anyone says. You’re going to follow the feeling.
(All that being said, if he’s a Gemini male or an Aquarius male, don’t even bother.)
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